THE LOOP BACK

Another sleepless night and I can't help but think , this was a night meant for writing. So av been looking at a scenario and I think I'll call it the loop back , when you find yourself back in a relationship you thought had ended.

Here's how I remember it , we'd been sitting there for quite a while now and the thought had crossed my mind more times than I care to mention, I kept thinking to myself this isn't gonna work. Now the relationship hadn't been going on for too long ( I'm starting to think maybe I have a curse on me or something ) and in the back of my mind I could already see where this was heading. I didn't like it one bit and in all honesty I don't normally know how to pretend so why was I gonna start now.
So i begun a conversation whose outcome I had played in my head a million times before , would she try to slap me ?
would she cause a scene ?

The list is endless and frankly none of you has the time or patience to hear the whole of it.
"so , av been thinking and the way i see it we seem to want different things ....."
You can already see the build up if you've been here before , you gamble with the right words to say while still getting the truth out there but in the process you don't want to sound like an insensitive prick. Women are delicate, a wrong choice of words might just rub them the wrong way.

So you go through all this maybe a couple of tears for times shared and you think to yourself it was the best decision to make and everyone is the happier for it aka YOU. Flash forward about one month down the line and the single life aint all it was cracked up to be , shamelessly falling for girls you can't have with no hope of salvation. Then you remember that relationship that you wanted out of and how lucrative it looks right now, most of you will agree with me that this is probably a bad idea but who ever said that we make the best decisions I mean c'mon we're only human after all. So you think to your self that things are different now and it will work this time , but will it ?? Will it really ?

You throw caution to the wind and against better judgement decide to take another swing at it , there you are whispering sweet nothing's trying to convince her that It was all just a big mistake . Truth is no one likes to be alone and you're simply avoiding the possibility of being single for who knows how long. So down that road you go again , an imminent breakup in the future as history simply repeats itself, the anger starts to bubble slowly frothing to the surface as you both fall in to the same pattern. The more things change , the more they stay the same , I'm sure you'll agree. Before too long it ends again only to begin another time , a cycle that if not broken out of could work to ostracize you in future relationships. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and hope to fall in love.

I'm just sayinG

MOVIES GALORE

Whatever happened to go movies ? The kind of movies that would leave with tears cascading down your face (Lion King comes to mind) movies that depicted true human nature and things that could actually happen to a normal human being (The Champ, if you haven't watched it then I don’t know how your childhood was). These is less than a tip of the iceberg and I'm sure movies are already popping into your heads, you could always comment them give some of us something to watch. I miss those kind of movies and can’t wait for the day when we'll finally go back to such a prime age of quality movies.

Why have I decided to talk about movies ? I don’t know, just realized it's been a while since I watched a genuinely good drama. I want to feel like the movie I'm watching has more drama than my life(note: this is to exclude all Naija movies honestly can't beat their drama even if I tried), I mean what would be the point of placing my tush on a couch to spend a considerable number of hours for something less exciting than my life??

That said I can't help but marvel at how far technological advances have taken the sci-fi movies , after watching "Dark Knight Rises" and "The Avengers" you 'll agree with me.  Actually gave these movies a standing ovation , they left me hanging on the edge of my seat anticipation every piece of juicy action like my next breath depended on it , the seamless integration of beautiful acting and well thought out animation has become something to truly behold. Actually left the cinema hall with a big grin on my face all too eager to defend the movies show anyone come up with a snarl comment (not that anyone actually did). 

Right I remember why I started this post, the Kenyan movie that was nominated for an Oscar(shamefully I still haven't watched it, hope it's still playing ). So based on the reviews that have reached me it seems exactly the movie that meets my drama criteria, a true depiction of life in a related script I would assume based on a true life story given how the story plays out. How rude of me , still haven't given the name of the movie, "Nairobi Half Life" .

This kind of acting (again based on others review, I'll give feedback soon as I watch it) is where we expect Kenya and other African countries to head, we're tired of sub-standard acting with lines that clearly look like they were scripted. Innovation is a tool best used free of restraint, this is the only way I see the film industry in Kenya to be particular ever making step forward.

I'm just sayinG

THE BREAKUP CYCLE

No one takes breakups easily, you become crippled with so many emotions at the time and we all know the heart is not so smart (damn it now I got that song stuck in my head). There are so many phases you go through but I’m sure we can break it down to about 4 phases, the bitterness, the “what if”, need to move on and if you’re lucky ,time heals all wounds, so I’ll begin.

THE BITTERNESS

You’ve been in a relationship for (insert timeslot here) when suddenly one day you wake up and this other person is telling you how they don’t think they can do it anymore. Normally at this time is when you get that adrenaline rush but not the good kind more of the utter frustration type and you’re thinking to yourself where did we go wrong? In the background as you zone out you somehow make out the words “it’s not you it’s me…..” this is where you snap back to reality and go a little bit crazy. Scream a few words ad rather not right but at least the profanities help keep back the tears and give you some level of control over the situation. But let’s be real, we all know this is what the other person was expecting all long because that’s when they start to curl up and take all the insults. If you’re fortunate you’ll be able to walk away before the tears start streaming down your face but the bitterness doesn’t end there. Of course you have to go bad mouth them to your friends as they dig in with their true opinions of what they really thought about your “better half”.

THE “WHAT IF”

Now this phases is my favorite , this is when your heart and mind start to truly battle. On the one hand your heart tells you that you made the wrong decision and that you should try to work things out which sometimes is true but logic dictates that if things didn’t work the first then what's changed in that time and why should it be different the second time around , Right? I mean if we're honestly speaking then look at it this way, the more things change the more they stay the same, maybe am right maybe am wrong, depends on where you're standing. This is where many of us end up getting stuck because you keeping on playing back the scenarios in your head and we all know that doesn’t do anything to help your situation but then again when did people with a broken heart ever reason rationally .  You need a strong will to get past this truth is you may never truly let go but you must get to a point where the could be future doesn’t bother you. 

NEED TO MOVE ON

Tricky ,confusing ,impossible. These are some of the words that come to mind when most people are faced with such a situation I mean come on moving on isn't always as easy as some make it out to be.  "She wasn’t worth it you guy   " I can almost hear the words so clearly. In the words of Lemar "it's not that easy" , words don’t just make feelings go away. It takes so much more and this is where the need to move on syndrome comes in. After a break up you want to get back into the game and sometimes we make the step too early, problem is we don’t know that. So there you go trying to feel something for someone else and for a while it may work , a spark will ensue but sadly that’s all it will ever be as hard as you may try.

This might go on for a while but in my opinion its necessary for one to actually move on, kiss a few frogs as it were(not that am saying the rebounds will be ugly). Feel what you need to feel then when time comes to let go you do so and learn to love someone new.      

                      

TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS

Finally we get to this point, well , some of us that is. When all is right with the world again and we're ready to be hurt all over again or if you're lucky , really lucky, you'll get to meet someone who makes you laugh when the world puts you down, someone who makes each day a little bit brighter, someone worth dying for, the love of your life. And that my friends is why we never stop looking , to live with hope is not to live.

Am just sayinG^TM

A LOST ART

Dear ……

I cannot remember the last time I sat down to write a letter but the other day as we were talking about it, it made me realize there are a lot of things I might never get the chance to say so am writing this letter to remind me each day, the reasons why I look at you in the way that I do. I don't know where this is going or the potential it holds but am loving every moment of it ,simply put every moment I spend with you is special and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Whether it's the  times I get to hear you laugh or argue with you over pointless topics like who will get who more drank on their birthday or it could be the times I just get to sit and listen to you talk about your dreams. Maybe it's our awkward conversations when we have nothing to say but can't hang up the phone because none of us wants to let the other go. The list is endless  and I would have it no other way, every moment more precious  than the last. The paradox of time is even more perplexing, it seems to freeze and speed up at the same time when we're together.

The hope of budding romance coupled with wishful thinking culminated with the compliments of two hearts beating as one, this is what I dream of when am laying in my bed and the rest of the world is dead asleep. A life full of promise with many years to cherish, so that when we're gray and old and the world has forgotten who we were I will still hold your hand and remind you how beautiful you are.  This is what I hope for when I stare into your eyes ,maybe am asking for too much but I cannot stand to ask for anything less for if I did then I wouldn't be the man I claim to be, a fool in love guided by the heart and directed by presumptuous prescriptions of universal principle.

For everything you are, makes me whole when I am not, for what am I without you if not a shadow of myself desperately grasping for a meaning in this so called existence.  I am overwhelmed by emotions that are manifested in my actions unable to abate my affections but for this I have no apologies for never in the history of time was love ever a subject of remorse. I have found in you what only a lifetime can give and if it so happens that I will never love again then my soul will rest with ease, a love of a lifetime is simply but that, and the blessing of finding you was more than I could ever ask for.

All that’s left to do is declare my love, to throw caution to the wind for what more could I ask for if not your hand that I might hold you all my days and gaze upon your beauty till my eyes lose all their sight , to kiss you till my lips are all but numb , to cherish you with every breath that I take. And when the world will have me no more, our memories I will take and in my heart you will forever live .

Yours Lovingly

………..

FLEETING TRUST

So i was having a discussion about the episodes of the green eyed monster, I mean we've all been there, that moment when you think everything is going just fine then she pops that question that warrants you to say "Don’t you trust me?" and we all know how that’s gonna end.

Picture this , you're in a club with you gal right and this fine ass chic winks a smile at you. Being the human that you are (we're being real here) of course you're gonna flash a smile , I know I would. But therein begins your problems, your chic sees that and she's not taking any of it. "Is this what you do when I'm not here ?" a bunch of other words that we know most definitely are gonna lead to a fight. So my question is , what gets us to this point ? Is trust really that difficult a virtue to encompass I mean really, if you say you love someone it can't be that hard to just let things go ? Someone back me up here.

So let me continue, she flips out right and you being the idiot that you are, you think I can probably argue out logic so what do you do? Get into battle of words trying to justify why your lip curved into an upside down frown when you know dead well there's noooo way you're getting out of this one.

"Blah blah blah" (as if I'm gonna tell you what she said)

"…. but babe you know I love only you "(ha ha ha even as you say these words you know you're screwed six ways to Sunday but hey when did that stop anyone).

Now , if common sense was well…. common this is where you would shut your mouth and just nod but hey, what would be then fun in that. You go on the offensive and start saying how you have done nothing wrong , then you get to realize just how much she has been holding in as she starts blurting out things you had long forgotten and thought forgiven. Don’t you love when people do that , bringing things up in the most unexpected of times . So I stop to ask myself, where does jealous really stem from?

Here in case 2, "Babe, am going out with a few pals …."

"Who, with?" she goes ahead to mention a bunch of chic names then inserts a guys name in the middle hoping you didn’t hear , I mean c'mon how dumb can one be. So of course your gonna pretend like you cool with this or maybe you really are (doubt it) mark you this is the guy who you know has always been trying to vibe her. So I have to ask, where do you draw the line because this guy never really accepted your relationship and she keeps giving you that cliché line that we're just friends , I'm not buying that . Long story short you're gonna get jealous and if predictions are right one of those stupid fights that none of your friends wants to get roped into will ensue. This really sucks especially if guys just wanna go out and have fun.

My opinion , this is just human nature to want to forgive but to be so hurt that all we can do is bury the pain and hope against all hope that somehow it never comes to the surface(wishful thinking I know). Worst part is we sometimes carry the pain over to the next relationship. So here's how I see it, simply just take the time to put yourself in the other person's shoe , you might be surprised just how not so black and white things really are.


Am just sayinGTm