HALF OF MY HEART

When do you know it's over?  Anytime we feel sad or disillusioned about where our love lives are going music comforts us, the lyrics guide us(This actually reminds me of the movie Music & Lyrics if you haven't watched it then shame on you).  In it we find solace and a mirrored emotion that helps us to relate with what i can only call everyone's reality.

LOVE THRU HER EYES

We are different you and I , set asunder by gender, the complexities of which are not limited to the physical plane. We feel differently, perception a varying standing point from which we view the world but my question is who has seen love through her eyes? When you break her heart does she hurt the way you do?

AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY

For all you geeky nerds like me yes I know I have stolen the title but I just couldn't help myself and besides it's totally relevant. So the other day I got to understand that you shouldn't take on more than you can handle, in all honesty I don’t know why I got myself in that situation to begin with. It was a beautiful Wednesday morning and everything seemed right with the world, so I thought to myself why not take the Mercedes dear old dad wants to sell the old thing, stick shift car by the way(very important point). So you see the problem is as much as I know how to drive a stick shift, this one was different, it didn't quite respond the way you normally expect. You see, most of us are used to good old Toyota with its easy to understand nature and can do attitude. I get into the car, feels a bit cramped in but hey what's a little discomfort at the expense of luxury right. I pull out of the drive way, luckily there was no oncoming traffic. So am stepping on the accelerator fully but the way that car is moving…. dismal I mean when you put your foot to the floor you expect some results. I felt like I was in a tuk tuk, of course to the guys outside it must have looked like I was cruising Lol. I make it to the first turn and things seem to be going my way, am able to get as far as Yaya before the damn thing goes off, right in the middle of a corner might I add. Cold sweat washes over me and am thinking am totally screwed, quickly I start the car up again and continue with my predicament. At this point am thinking to myself what the hell was I thinking cause this is turning out to be a very grim day , very very grim. Eventually the lone ranger aka me makes it to my final destination (school)and am thinking "phew, at least".

A couple of pals think themselves "Baba Yao" and try driving the beast, yes I resigned to calling it that after all the trouble it had given me and presto, I discover that I am quite the driver even though am suffering. I watch as it goes off over and over again. Can't help but laugh, the guys look like inexperienced amateurs trying to get reverse to engage as the car shakes helplessly. One of them takes it upon himself to try till it moves.

" Eeeh dude kwani its how with this car?"

"Si you set it into gear, it's not that hard."

We all burst  out laughing as the car went into an epileptic fit, they finally gave up on it and for a little while I forgot about the beast then home time came. Before I continue let me just mention that never again, ever. So we start off nicely then we get to Mbagathi way, see the problem with this road is that it's all up hill and well given my out of touch position with this car, balancing was going to be a bitch. So I struggle for a better part of it then things get really interesting, at first I smell the distinctive odour of burning clutch. I think to myself am totally screwed but then comes the smoke, who ever said that things can't get worse?  I have no idea what the hell is going on and am thinking "am totally done for." I hear that voice in the back of my head saying I should have just left the car in the first place, I have to think fast or I'll really be screwed. I remember a pal of mine lives in Ngumo so pit stop it is, and there I remain for as long as traffic exists.  Actually learnt that there are cameras that monitor traffic albeit the angles are horrible, I mean why put a camera where you are sure traffic is almost always moving, that’s just idiotic. So finally when darkness falls and most people have made their way to their houses I creep out of Ngumo and slowly start to make my way home. My journey was marred by angry drivers who didn’t seem to appreciate my go slow attitude but as luck would have it the traffic was moving and after what seemed like a very long day I finally got home and gently vowed " Never Again."

SCARY AFFAIR

We  were sitting in a room , my pal kept staring at the ceiling with that spaced out look. He had been like that for a while now, oblivious of the world around him almost in a trance as it were. "You guy kwani what's up?"

"What the hell is this now, she's telling me that she's late man"

I couldn’t help but burst out laughing, we'd been in this precarious situation before and time and time again, ad told my pal to always take the necessary precautions but hey, Shit happens right. I could see the frustrations lines  form on his face, that helpless look you get when you feel the world around you caving in, " Dude screw that maze, me am not dealing with that crap".

I was trying to look for words but then again what do you tell someone in that situation? We've all been there once or maybe a few more times than we'd care to remember, that fear filled moment when you think you're gonna be blessed with a bundle of "joy" and you don’t know what next step to take. Whether to bury your head in the sand and hope beyond all hope its just the universe playing a sick joke on you or maybe the gal is simply trying to find out how you would really react in that situation. Let's take the latter for instance, so  a girl tells you she's paged and she's gonna keep it, any rational guy who hadn't planned for that of course isn't gonna want to listen to that story so how do you think he'll react ? We both know it I just don’t have the courage to write it here, bottom line chic breaks up with guy. Back to the story, so my boy calls up the gal to find out if she's playing games (story for  later ) or she's for real.

The conversation starts up kinda sketchy, guy doesn’t really know how to bring up the issue without sounding insensitive  so he beats around the bush with small talk all the while building up to" the big question". Finally he just blurts it out , " Are you for real or are you just messing with me ? Cause if you are we are totally done." You can see his face start to cringe in anger all the while I'm trying my best to hold back the laughter. I can faintly hear her voice, you know how loud speakers can be sometimes. I make out the words two days so I start thinking to myself , maybe it's just been two days you know ,  things could work out for the better. My pals face changes my conviction about the same, he's near tears now I'm wondering what the hell is going on, finally he gets off and obviously am eager to hear what's happening. He's barely audible, "………two days ago"

"Dude, ebu speak properly I can't make out what you're saying or its good news huh?"

 I tap him on the shoulder his expression's still the same, then he just goes ballistic tell me all about how she was messing with him and that she had started two days ago. His face is torn between joy and anger but my goodness ad like to see what he does when they finally meet up, but that my friends is a story for another day.

A LEAP OF FAITH

Life can be funny sometimes , I keep hearing the phrase you don’t know what you have till it's gone and recently I was thinking about it. Now I know a couple of you have been down this road before maybe because you thought you could do better or maybe you were leaving the one you loved for someone else, reasons are numerous but the fact is that you did it. You left someone and a little ways down the road you regretted it so my question is who do you blame ? Yourself for making a foolish mistake ? truth is there's no one to blame, sometimes we just make a bad judgment call and the repercussions are what make life what it is .

 I had been debating whether I should leave the relationship I was in because I kept feeling like I was giving it my all and the other person just didn’t feel quite the same way. We always got into fights over the silliest things and truth be told I was getting tired of it , my belief has always been that relationships should be mature and if that’s not happening then what the hell, I'm not staying. So during a period of one of our  "misunderstandings" I happen to chance upon a beautiful soul with the name of a flower. Now normally feelings like this would go away but this time they didn't, they seemed to want to linger a little longer than I would please and the worst part is I liked it. I let myself feel things I had long forgotten oblivious to the fact that this wasn't going to end well. You know what they say, the heart wants what the heart wants plain and simple.

This went on for quite some time and each day I fell more and more in love with this new person ever so slowly setting my troubled relationship to fade into the background like a shadow in a picture. I couldn’t help myself, I wanted to feel something real with someone who shared my dreams and she seemed to be that person. I look back now and for some reason I still keep thinking that I should have tried harder but then again sometimes it lasts in love but sometime it hurt s instead.  I had pictured every scenario in my head and I knew that it was better to have loved and lost so I thought to myself, why the hell not. I decided to end the predicament that was my current relationship and take my chance with this beautiful damsel who had won my heart with her kindness and charm.

We were different but so much the same and that is what I had loved about her, the fact that despite all that we were there was still ground for us to find footing together, to complement each other as it were and as it should be. So I took a leap of faith and told her my decision, I'll never forget that fateful afternoon when I got to hold her hand one last time, her soft and delicate hands . When were outside on a bench under a gentle sun, I can remember how fast my heart was beating. I was hopeful, eager to set forth on the precipice of change so unprepared for what lay ahead.  So I told her how I felt and that we should be together, I can't remember exactly what followed but in the midst of all of it I remember the words " I like you but….." . In truth it doesn’t matter what those words were because she said no, the girl I thought was the one said no and I had to let her go.

That was a while back and a lot has changed since then but my advice is this,when a person is in a relationship there are many factors that come into play and through it all sometimes we fall out of touch with what made us fall in love in the first place , in a sense we no longer  take the time to smell the roses as it were. The stolen glances and sweet nothings all get lost in the complexities of daily living, people don’t stop to appreciate each other anymore and these could be prelude to many problems to follow.  I was reading an article about how a husband wanted to leave his wife for another woman and the underlying reason as he put it was that he had fallen in love with someone else. The wife agreed to a divorce on condition that the husband wait a month because their son was doing exams and that he carry her out the door every morning. As this went on the guy remembered why he fell in love with his wife in the first place but the sad bit is that she had cancer and she died at the end of the month he hadn't known and when he had decided to stay he had come back home to find her no more.

Time waits for no man and sometimes you have to stop to appreciate what you have, don’t look for reasons to leave, find reasons to stay because at the end of the day nothing worth having ever came easy. This is easier said than done but I believe that if you stick with it at the end of the day you'll be happy you did.

I'm just sayinG