In this matter I know not

You never really ponder on death, especially when it doesn’t affect you directly. People are all too eager to say I’m sorry for your loss without pondering about it. After all what else is there to say? You will give them a rub on the shoulder and say those words , “It will be okay”.
That’s the last thing anyone wants to hear, granted we all grieve in different ways. Some will find comfort in the tears they shed, others would rather remember the departed through laughter and memories of old.

I don’t know how to react, I lost my Uncle and I’m not sure if I should cry or try remember the good times we shared together or… I simply don’t know. Maybe my brain is taking a little longer than usual to process the information because the finality of it all seems so surreal. Here today and gone tomorrow, are we really that fragile, is our time really that short? The world is purported to have been around for billions of years and our lives barely get to a hundred years. For a species that claims to be the most intelligent does that not bother anyone in the least?

I find myself awake at weird hours of the night trying to piece the situation but it seems that a larger part of me would rather live in denial, it’s much easier than the cruel fate that reality has to offer, I cannot fathom the idea of not being able to sit down and share tales of old, not being able to drink one for the road and promise to see each other as soon as possible. I don’t want to believe that I cannot remember our last conversation. If this is how it ends then will I get the chance to say goodbye? Will my children get to send me off or will I bear the painful burden of having to bury my own kids. I am left with so many questions but that is not what scares me the most, it is the fact that I will have to do this again, and again and again.

If we live then it means that we must die, each and every one of us will eventually meet the same fate that is the culmination of life. I tear up every time I think about the idea of losing someone close. I only have one brother so that leaves very little room for siblings. Yesterday was Mother’s day… me and my mum are close. I don’t … I can’t imagine a world without my mum. In all honesty that would really break my heart and I’m not sure there would be a way to fix it.

There is one thing that still rings in my mind though, every time I think of my late uncle, he said “Blood is thicker, no matter what happens”. At the time I didn’t really think about it but now the words hit a little closer to home. Today I will drink in honour of the dearly departed as for how I will deal with his death in this matter I know not.